Three Days

Three days I dread. New year's, my birthday, and now the day my dad died.

Both new year's and my birthday have the same despairing, agonizing effect on me. I don't know what new horrors the new year will bring. (If I knew, I'd atleast be ready for it.. or so I think. But knowing me, I'd mostly beg God to try and keep me form all of the bad things, and if He didn't, I'd lash out at Him and not talk to Him for an age...)

ah well..
2010 was especially a bad year.

So i guess you'd guess how terrified of 2011 I was.. until a few hours ago, in church. I was just thinking.."gosh oh gosh oh gosh... 2011. 2010 saw me losing my dad,and me being hard and numb on the surface but bleeding so much on the inside that my porcelain mask was cracking and the blood flowed from under it. An ugly sight. It saw me being ambitious and making plans, and backup plans... only to let me collect dust. God, please. Gosh..... Please don't let this be as bad..."

And without me even thinking about what I was tellin Him, I blurted out "Please take care of what 2011 holds for me. I want to just hide from it all. I'm tired. And for a change, I'm giving this to you. I don't want to have anything to do with it all at all. I don't want to be in control of my situations, or of what could be done. Help!"

 ....... And then I saw the point of it all. I saw that I had to lose my dad because that's how things were meant to be. If I hadn't, I never would have realized his worth. But after he passed, I became so hard, so cold, and I hurt so badly, that I pushed everybody away. I ran from God cause I didn't want to face the pain. I didn't want to cry cause I knew that if I did, I never would stop. I wanted to heal, but without the pain. I realised that God had backed off and just waited for me to come around, but I never did. I just kept running. Lashing out. And then these plans. Plans of what to do next, and how to do it. Plans to get out and jus make it somehow.. I guess He didn't let me move cause He knew that if I did and my plans failed, I'd be heart-broken, and I'd lose all faith in myself. So He just kept me here.. and watched me, and took care of me. Watched me mellow, and saw how life wore me out, and He ached to just help me out, but I never would turn to Him.
And now I see it all. I see how I've changed, and how I actually need Him. I guess I should talk to Him and apologize.. and thank Him for staying.

And who knows? with Help, maybe 2011 won't be such a bad year after all! :D